Category: Mundane

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My Shadow Friend and I

I want to share something that I recently discovered about myself and my struggles for the past few years. I am quite sure I have depression. It is not exactly a secret; I share this openly with close friends and family. Sharing helps with management, but what was important for me was inward observation and mindful practice in my daily life.

I’ve always believed that there’s a counterbalance to everything we think and do; every yin (negative) has a yang (positive). This belief was super helpful in my discovery of the concept of a “Shadow Friend.”

I realised that my depression was not just about the outward symptoms but also a hidden dark self within me that I had unknowingly created over the years. This dark self was the opposite of the persona I presented to the world and was kept secret, hidden in the shadows.

It was only through observation and reflection on my thoughts and behaviors that I noticed this “Shadow Friend” and the destructive impact of this hidden dark self on my mental well-being. It was like a parallel version of me, but one that I had ignored for so long.

Every one of us has a “Shadow Friend”; try to observe this. This friend lies behind our thoughts, our judgment on the world, and will remain hidden unless we know he/she is there.

Let’s try an example of a strong, independent CEO of an MNC, Ms. Indie. Ms. Indie is a powerhouse at her workplace and a perfect mother. She takes pride in being independent and self-sufficient. Whenever she has self-doubts, she tells herself, “Come on, you’ve got this. You are strong!” Each time she tells herself this, her mirrored self, the little girl in her who feels anxious and helpless, gets suppressed. Let’s call this girl Anxiety. 

When all is well and good, Anxiety is hidden from the world, but what happens in a crisis?

In a crisis, Ms. Indie’s mirrored self, Anxiety, the little girl who feels anxious and helpless, may come out in full force. The usual coping mechanisms and self-assurances that Ms. Indie relies on may not be as effective in the face of a crisis. The pressure and challenges of the situation may trigger the underlying insecurities and fears of Anxiety.

Because Ms. Indie has not acknowledged nor addressed the needs of her mirrored self, she may not be able to handle a crisis. When Anxiety comes out in full force, she can only despair. She can feel like there is nothing left to do, and that’s when depression sets in.

Ms. Indie probably didn’t even know there was a “Shadow Friend” growing inside her. Anxiety had been demanding attention and care, and ignoring her needs may exacerbate the crisis and hinder Ms. Indie’s ability to cope.

So how do we manage this “Shadow Friend”? I managed to find an answer for myself. I would share it here, hoping that it provides some understanding for your own journey.

Step 1 – Mindfulness

I need to start by saying that it took quite a long time for me to practice mindfulness and become comfortable with sitting with my emotions. This journey took years, but it started there. 

It is quite impossible to share the entire practice of mindfulness in a few short paragraphs, so I won’t. But I would share one of the concepts I learnt, which was the illusion of self.

We were all brought up to believe that we are one person, with the same beliefs, the same character, one consistent being, but is that necessarily true? Dig a little deeper, and you will notice that this may not be true. How many times have we scolded ourselves? Retroactively saying, “Why was I so stupid to do that?” after making a decision we regret or said something to others like “I couldn’t control myself.”

In observing my thoughts and emotions, especially when I am in a bad state, I found that I may not be the same person. So the practice of mindfulness helped me with observing that my representation of self is truly just an illusion.

Step 2 – Observation

The second thing I had to do was notice my friend. I also call him my roommate because he is always there in the same room that is my mind with me. Picture sharing a room with a sibling. This visualization helped me greatly.

I would start to notice when I began feeling a familiar emotion due to some triggers. It could be anger, it could be sadness. I learned to recognize these feelings as a sign that my “Shadow Friend” needed something.

Step 3 – Compassion

The third step was just to sit with my friend. That was it. No judgment, no scolding like the example I gave above, just being with him. It meant accepting anything that was already done, as done. It meant allowing any feelings to come, to come.

This is a powerful thing that we can do for our friends who might need us for emotional support too, and I mean, real, physical friends this time! Part of my entire healing process was when friends were able to do this for me. One of my best friends called me after I posted something I was going through on Facebook, and he was concerned for me. He didn’t offer solutions, he didn’t tell me I should stop thinking too much, he just asked if he could buy me a meal and hang out. When we did hang out, he was just there, as a friend, as I was processing my emotions.

So for my “Shadow Friend”, I did just that. Sit, and be a friend. In time, he began to reveal who he was.

Practically, what this meant was me noticing that I couldn’t function very well in certain situations anymore, stepping away for a while, and doing something that I liked in a space I felt comfortable and safe in. It meant telling my wife and family what I was going through at the moment, and asking for that space.

It meant realizing that my “Shadow Friend” needed something, and knowing with experience not to ignore it or risk aggravating the problem. If I were to power through and ignore the pain, I could, and I did do that for years. It is like when you are having a high fever and diarrhea and still needing to cover a wedding as their videographer! It is possible, but it just means you are causing damage that takes a bit longer to recover from each time.

So picture me, usually health-conscious, and usually thrifty with my own needs, splurging money on exquisite ice cream and sitting in front of the TV watching a comedy.

Step 4 – Understanding

Everything up to this point was just establishing a trusting, loving relationship with my mirrored self. Step 4 was then slowly understanding him.

I gave an example of an independent Ms. Indie, proud of her strength as a superwoman coming to realize her “Shadow Self” was Anxiety, a little girl who was really anxious all the time. Her confident exterior had a mirrored anxiousness that is equal in strength residing in her “Shadow Self.”

In my own version, it was not easy figuring out what my own “Shadow Self” wanted. You see, the problem is that this part of ourselves is usually the opposite of an attribute we are proud of and forms our identity, or the illusion of one.

What our “Shadow Self” wants is usually very shameful, and something we ignore or suppress in ourselves. It might even be something we hate about ourselves. If you noticed, I am still hesitant to share my own “Shadow Self” now, because I am honestly still too embarrassed to reveal this. It’s like I have a racist uncle in the family I would not tell other people about.

However, I remember the moment I understood my roommate. I had a very profound feeling of joy. It explained so many things. Why do I get triggered by this? Why did I feel so happy when that happened? It was like I found an instruction manual to my brain.

Step 5 – Yang to the Yin

Step 5 was the beginning of healing. Now that I understood my roommate, I created an equally powerful yang to his yin. I provided unconditional love and acknowledgement to his existence. I did not reject him or scold him for being a certain way, because remember, the more we push something away, the harder it comes back?

It meant looking at my shame and saying, “It’s ok. I love you all the same.”

For Ms. Indie (see how I keep using an example, instead of my own?), it meant feeling anxious before a meeting with the board of directors and acknowledging that feeling. It meant telling Anxiety, “I see your fear, it is normal to feel this way, but we will get through this.” It meant knowing when to take a break when overwhelmed with too many decisions in her day, acknowledging that she is only human.

It doesn’t diminish her confidence in any way if her counter acknowledgment of her anxiety is equally strong, instead, a balance of sorts is found.

Conclusion

So that was what I went through. Healing began only when I started acknowledging and addressing the hidden dark self with self-awareness and self-compassion. It wasn’t easy, but it was a crucial step towards improving my mental health.

I want to encourage anyone who’s struggling with depression or any other mental health challenge to dig deeper and uncover if there’s a mirrored self within you. It is not about blaming ourselves, but rather about understanding and managing the hidden dark self with kindness and care.

Remember, sharing with friends and family was a major part of the process too. We can feel lonely while still acknowledging that we are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for healing and growth. 

Let’s strive towards a more balanced and authentic version of ourselves.

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The Moloch Effect

classical painting depicting people offering small sacrifices to Moloch, like fruits, grains, and livestock, to seek his favor and blessings and the sacrifices growing, and making Moloch too powerful

“Wake up … the world is changing.”

If you have had kopi with me lately, you would have heard me talk about artificial intelligence. On Facebook, I have also been alluding to my concerns, even while I am using the technology.

I will be doing a lot more sharing of what I have learnt, and hope that this can help everyone understand as well. I am very serious in stating, in case you don’t know, the world is changing and there are very serious scholars out there who are not sure if it is a positive or a negative outcome. We are at the brink of either.

classical painting depicting people offering small sacrifices to Moloch, like fruits, grains, and livestock, to seek his favor and blessings and the sacrifices growing, and making Moloch too powerful

The last time the human civilization went through this was over nuclear weapons.

Today, I would share with you about something called the Moloch Effect.

The origin of the word is from the name of a god named Moloch. Moloch was known as the god of sacrifice, and the people of Mesopotamia worshipped him fervently.

At first, the people offered small sacrifices to Moloch, like fruits, grains, and livestock, to seek his favor and blessings. Moloch was pleased with these offerings and granted the people their desires. But as time went on, the people became more and more ambitious in their pursuit of Moloch’s favor.

The people began to offer bigger and more valuable sacrifices to Moloch, hoping to gain even greater rewards. They sacrificed their prized possessions, their wealth, and even their own children, believing that Moloch would grant them immense power and prosperity in return.

Moloch, pleased with the increasing sacrifices, started to grant the people’s wishes. He granted them wealth, power, and influence beyond their wildest dreams. The people became obsessed with pleasing Moloch and sacrificing more and more to gain his favor.

As the people’s devotion to Moloch grew, so did his power. He became more and more powerful, demanding even greater sacrifices from the people. The people, blinded by their pursuit of wealth and power, willingly complied, not realizing the consequences of their actions.

But over time, the sacrifices became too great to bear. The people had sacrificed everything they had, including their morality and humanity. They had destroyed their environment, exploited their fellow beings, and lost their compassion and empathy.

Moloch had become so powerful that he could no longer be appeased. He demanded even more sacrifices, and the people had nothing left to give. They had reached a point of no return, where their blind worship of Moloch had led to their own downfall.

In the end, Mesopotamia fell into ruin, and the once-great civilization crumbled under the weight of its own greed and devotion to Moloch. The people realized too late that their relentless pursuit of Moloch’s favor had brought them to a tragic end.

The parable of Moloch in ancient Mesopotamia serves as a cautionary tale, warning us of the dangers of unchecked pursuit of narrow goals without considering the broader consequences. It reminds us that blind devotion to short-term gains can lead to unintended negative consequences at the system level, resulting in irreversible harm. It underscores the importance of responsible and ethical decision-making in our pursuit of progress and advancement, and the need to carefully consider the impact of our actions on society and the world around us.

If you look at it, there are plenty of examples around us. Threat of nuclear war is one, for example. Nobody actually wants a war, but keeps spending money on developing weapons in order to deter others. At this stage, development of AI is another. Why? I will share what I’ve learnt over time! We can meet to have kopi and to catch up too, so do drop a message if you would like to!

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The Mirrored Self: How Judgments Reflect Our Inner Worlds

Dash Cam photo of a dangerous driver

“Bloody f***er lah!”
You would have heard if you watched my dashcam camera footage. I had an interesting encounter on the road today that got me thinking about the concept of the mirrored self. So, this impatient driver almost brushed past my car and honked at me angrily, and I found myself getting all worked up and responding with aggression in my driving.

Of course, in the heat of the moment, I was gripped by this aggression. I was angry, and it took a while to cool down, but later, when I reflected on it, I realized that I had created an “Impatient” dark self within me by perceiving the other driver as impatient. It takes one to perceive one, right?

It reminded me about how this phenomenon applies to other judgments we make about people. When we label someone with any attribute, good or bad, we may unknowingly create those traits within ourselves, even if only in our minds. It’s like a little mirror reflecting back at us.

It’s a reminder that our perceptions are subjective and may not always reflect the reality of others. It’s so easy to get caught up in snap judgments and assumptions, but taking a step back to question our perceptions can lead to greater self-awareness and empathy.

I mean, let’s face it, we’re all flawed and complex human beings. We may not always understand the motivations of others, and that’s OK. But it’s important to be mindful of our thoughts and judgments, and to approach others with compassion and understanding.

But, as a part of my journey, I do not blame or scold myself either. Recall my realisation that every action has an equal reaction? If I strongly blame myself, I am just putting more energy into suppressing that part of myself, and that energy has to come from somewhere else. Again, by judging, I just created another mirror, and the cycle never ends.

Have you ever noticed your own mirrored self in your judgments of others?

  • Image was not real, generated on MJ and mirrored (ironically) because while the system knows how Singapore streets look, it couldn’t get that we were right-hand drive
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3 Lies We Tell Themselves to Stop Creating

This is the age of multiple small sellers instead of few big companies doing the selling. Think about Uber, airBnB, everyone has something to sell, or eventually they will.

How about you? What do you have to sell?

It is time to look at what you have, and what you have is a hidden talent. Perhaps you are a good artist, a good writer? Or are you good at complaining ? It’s a common Singaporean skill right? The ability to complain? Look at YouTube, search for rant videos. Can this skill be monetized? You can be sure it can!

So I’ve found that most people tell themselves lies that prevent them from starting to create. Here are the top 3!

1) I am not enough

I’m not smart enough, talented enough, good enough, beautiful enough.

It never ends. If we continue to compare with people better than us, we will indeed be not good enough.

The truth is, we have to get started. No skill becomes perfect overnight. Tell yourself that you are good enough to start instead, hone yourself over time, and get better already.

The truth is, you are better than someone else at a lot of times. You know that it is true. Start already.

2) Money\Resources not enough

This trap exists all across human endeavours. It is very easy to tell yourself you need this equipment, that new tool to become great. It is a trap to tell yourself you need more money to start.

You want to take up tennis but you don’t have that new ultra light, ultra sturdy racquet. In every field, you have a spectrum of resources available to you, from the cheap and accessible to the expensive and premium.

Don’t fall into the trap. Instead, start with what is immediately available to you. The time is now where so many tools are accessible to all of us. The Internet is a real game changer by making resources available to all of us.

Start with something simple.

Look at the podcast I’ve created. (Subscribe to it here.) I used a smartphone, cheap headphones , a wide angle lens, and I’ve started something already. Do it.

3) Time not enough

This is the worst lie that separates the consumers from the creators.

I don’t have enough time.

What are you doing with your time? How much time have you spent travelling each day? What did you do with your time? Facebook ? Korean drama watching? YouTube surfing?

Nothing wrong with that, we all love our entertainment. But if you want an answer to where your time went, look no further than what you do while you are waiting.